At least once a month, so here goes.
Very, very busy, and exhausted. More exausted than busy. I have time, but the time is spent in re-coup activities. I wish I could get more efficient with those activities, they end up taking quiet a lot of time.
I am anxious about my internship, anxious about the long stretch of days where I will be in charge. I am just generally feeling anxious and kind of bad about how little time an energy I'm devoting to preparing for my lessons, and also about how I feel... not particularly capable, as a teacher.
So I'm trying to do various things about that.
Some concepts/life lessons I'm working on, with myself:
Loving myself.
Man, this is a hard one for some of us. Easy to say, to know intellectually, but the actual emotional act of letting myself be ok just as I am, of being willing to accept the Univers's, God's, unconditional immense love, even with all the imperfections I still have... It's difficult. I guess it's difficult to believe, someone could love me that unconditionally. And so I really need to be working on loving and having confidence in myself, since that is kind of the hose nozzle, so to speak. No matter how much water is in the reservoir, no matter how big the hose, if the hose nozzle is tiny, only a tiny amount of water can come out at a time. That's like the universe's love and the nozzle is my ability to love myself. If I want more love, I have to allow it in. Be willing to accept it.
Why is it that I'm not willing to accept it? I suppose I'm frightened that it's not true, and if I accept it as true, I'll end up getting smited because God's not actually that forgiving. How fascinating. I thought I was way past over that view of God, but apparently my gut isn't.
Related: Going beyond Good and Evil.
This sounds kind of Nietzsche, which I'm not a fan of, so let me explain: our small, rational mind tries to figure out what is good, what to value, what is right and wrong. But that is not the place to act from. The place to act from is the voice of God within you. Ever fresh and personal. And listening to that voice is about living in the real world, and the real world is devoid of the limiting labels we have put on it, and the separating duality of hot and cold, pleasure and pain, good and bad. All is seen as one thing, dualities are seen as ends of one thing, like the two ends of a magnet, and though there is certainly a clear feeling for what is right and good, in terms of how to act, there is also the clear perception of the perfection of absolutely everything. And the understanding that all labels, even, "good" is just a concept that falls far short of the imminent truth.
It's easy to want to go beyond evil, but it can be more challenging to give up our limiting concepts of good. Don't get me wrong, I will listen ever more intently to the Voice of God within, but the desire to be right and good and perfect are, in the end, attachments that lead to bondage, not liberation. They are a necessary stepping-stone or training wheels, but eventually the external directions of what to do and not do must give way to the direct experience of living in the Immensity. So, working on bringing light to those tricky attachments to being a good boy.
And at the same time, working on living in that immensity, reality, and letting that giant force of God be the guide, the driver, the doer.
It is a challenging habit to try and cultivate. I want always-on awareness of God. Either through a spiritual awareness practice of some sort, or by doing the Bhagavad-Gita thing and dedicating all my actions and their fruits to God. Doing them for the save of the Atma, the supreme.
The good and evil, all the opposites, they are like a play. You, me, the actor, are not actually the character suffering horrible ills. Being in the world but not of it, being the lotus emerging from muck and water but being untouched by it, these are phrases for remembering that you're just playing a part in a fun play. The ups and downs happen, but not for real. But that doesn't mean sit down and go to sleep or quit. Play it to the hilt. Put on a good performance. But don't loose track of who you really are, and don't take the battle too seriously. It's all there for our entertainment and education.
There may be spelling errors, etc., in this post, but as I said I am quite busy, so it will just have to suffice.
May all the beings in all the worlds be happy. Including you.
May you have peace in your body, peace in your mind, and peace in your spirit.
In Truth,
-We
