I've been doing a rather stressful job. Interning with a challenging 4th grade. It's been emotionally difficult, leading to anxiety and feelings of failure and hopelessness, due to me being not good at it, and there being high stakes on the line (the kid's future. And thus the world's future.)
So it has been a great impetus to remember to continually surrender the fruits of my actions to God. Because frankly, I don't want most of them. They are probably bad fruits. Bad results, due to my negligence. There are some good results as well, but I don't want those either. it gives me joy to see the children happy and well served, but I have no desire to become attached to those outcomes, because it is then so painful when I am not successful in reaching them.
So, lots of practice with that, and with a throughout the day meditation of namasmarana (which translates to remembering the name of God. "Nama" means name, or salutations, "Smarana" means remembering or memory. At least, I think that's about right. My Sanskrit isn't top notch.) Which is useful for the frequent bouts of anxiety.
Interesting to note, the anxiety appears in the day or two leading up to when I'm teaching. Not so much when I'm actually teaching. I'm too busy to be anxious when I'm in the midst of it. Making the lead-up time in many ways worse. But also, the aftermath is often unpleasant, as I reflect on how poorly I did, sometimes.
The bottom line is I really need to banish these unhelpful negative emotions. They really get in the way of enjoying my life and doing my best and are energetically draining. I'm still working on how to do that.
Soon it will be summer and I won't have to worry about that for several months since I won't be teaching. But the seed will still be there. The monster will just be slumbering, waiting for the right situation to rear it's head again.
I would like to be able to approach teaching at least with as much joy as I approach improv dance. With improv dance, I had a kind of freedom I gave myself. It was all made up, so I couldn't do it wrong. Whatever happened was right, and my job was just to be totally present so I could respond from a place of integrity.
Though I guess the other element that made it safe was I had a coach, who trained us (yes, you can train at improv dance.) and gave us the thumbs up when we were ready for performance. That is a very comforting thing. It kind of puts the responsibility for your performance on someone else. I trusted her not to put us out there if we weren't ready. I don't have that with teaching. We are very much getting thrust out there with I don't know how much preparation. I suppose the internship is preparation. But it is mostly under the supervision of a cooperating teacher, who is mainly a teacher of young children, not a teacher of teachers.
In any case, it's just a lot less comforting. I guess I need someone to repeatedly be telling me that I've done enough preparation and should feel good about going out and teaching. Or telling me that I'm not ready and here's why, and here's what to do about it to get ready.
This on the other hand, what I'm experiencing in this situation, is a lot more nebulous, fuzzy. Am I ready? Am I getting ready fast enough, so I'll be ready by the time I graduate? I don't know. And even my teachers say they have bad days.
And I can't just rely on whether my teaching felt good to me. That's so subjective. Having my proffessors come in and observe me is really super useful. I wish I could get that to continue after I graduate because that seems like one of the most useful things for understanding my level of readiness.
Anyways, this semester has been seriously stressful. It's not an accident, I think, that I've noticed my first gray hairs, during these months. But I'm a little worried about the summer as well, since there's going to be so much time when I'm not doing anything. I don't like doing nothing. It ends up feeling icky. I like being pleasantly busy, with things I know I'm proficient at. That's really the best. This semester, heck, this year, has been overbusy with things I'm not good at. That feels really bad.
The one positive of it is, as I said, I get to practice this renunciation of the fruits of action, as recommended in the Bhagavad-Gita. Hopefully, I will get good enough that no matter the situation, I feel balanced and good.
I'm technically on break now, for the next few days, because my internship is on break, but I still manage to feel anxious about my online children's class I'm teaching in a few hours this Sunday. I need to get over or reframe this anxiety. At least reframe it like I do with improv dance. Think of it as excitement, or energy. Even then, that's not the best... Think of it as enthusiasm then. That's better.
