mostly ranting about too much pointless work, but I've since resolved that enough to not be miserable. I'll extract the gem I came to at the end:
I need to take a moment to refocus and ask myself what I actually want to get out of this program, and keep that in the forefront, as I do assignments, so I'm doing them in a way that serves that purpose. Maybe that means less time on some elements and more on others, or just approaching them an entirely different way.
Anyhoo. This summer is like last summer: an unsustainable amount of work, day in, day out. I can keep up with assignments, barely, but I have too little free time, and too much time doing the assignments. I'm also spending too much time in front of the computer, a fact which typing this blog is not helping.
In the spirit of acting "as if" i were someone I admire, who is both very spiritually wise, and practically successful as well, making things happen in the real world, I've come to a clear realization: I lean forward in the wrong way and lean back in the wrong way.
I lean forward on the "push push push" mentality, working "hard" at tasks, grinding away. It exhausts me, and then my mind, my intuition, narrow, shut down. I get things done, but at what cost? my health, my peace of mind, my connection to the universe.
at the same time I "lean back" from life. It's almost like I'm afraid to be passionate about something, because I'm.... I'm not sure what I"m afraid of. Maybe, of looking childish, being really excited and enthusiastic about things. Maybe, of being let down, when I get excited about something and put all my hope and expectations into it, only to have it fail, or not happen.
This is a tricky thing. really tricky. in the spiritual/new age movement, there is this idea of "being detached" that people try to achieve by just not caring about things, not trying to hard, not putting their all into it. It's like the moody teenager version of the Buddha, "whatever man. I don't care."
And it's not a good way to move through life. you get less done, you feel less, your not plugged in to your love, enthusiasm, source of energy. You avoid taking risks, and ultimately, it's because of fear. Real detachment, equanimity, is guided by Dharma. By what the situation dictates is right. often that calls for intense activity. The detachment then functions as a lubricant: it makes it easier for you to do that hard thing. You then become more likely to do it. But that is a much more... elusive detachment to cultivate. It's a state of poise, with equanimity. Like a fine needle on a compass, sensitive to the slightest pull of the electromagnetic fields around it, balanced on its axis so it can move quickly and easily to wherever that points.
It's the right kind of leaning towards, and leaning away.
And it's what I'm trying for. while the moody new age teenager detachment allows you to avoid the things you don't want to do, mature detachment moves you with momentum and certainty, often right into your fears.
what do you love? what really matters to you? what is the right thing, even though it may not be the comfortable thing?
Let detachment and silence be the pulling back of the arrow, that shoots you with dynamism and speed, straight to the place your internal compass is pointing, through obstacles, fear, resistance.
don't just pull the arrow back till it falls out of the notch in the bow and flops down onto the ground.
good-bye for another month (or two)
-stay playful
