Sunday, February 10, 2019

Love. HARD work. Persistence.

It's already well past the first of the month. How short can I make this, so I can get back in the habit of posting something?

I am working so, so hard. My awareness is increasing. I am not giving up. I am getting kinder with myself. What I am doing, learning to be a teacher, is extremely hard. It hurts my heart some days, it exhausts me, most days, and some days it drives me well beyond exhaustion. Especially emotionally. It makes me anxious. It's HARD.

But each day ends, and is over, and a new one begins, and I try again. Some things go well, some go poor, and I forgive myself and keep on trying to sing my song with heart and vulnerability and passion. It is hard hard hard. Often I want to curl into a shell and hide from it. I LOVE snow days.

But it is also something I'm passionate about. I feel my work has deep meaning. It is important. I'm never bored. I never feel like I'm wasting my time or life. I never feel like I'm not getting to be creative. I never feel like I've stopped learning. It is great for those reasons.

And I am always on my toes. I always have great motivation, to work hard and keep working hard. It keeps me active, growing, striving.

It's like the emotional amplitude of my life has been turned up: the highs are higher, the lows are lower.

I accept. Though it had better keep getting better, has it has been doing, because it's still unsustainable, at the current level of stress. But it's getting closer to being something I can live with. Maybe in a year or two.

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