The pathway towards an answer. An important question. A horrible Blog name.

The title of this blog feels deeply pretentious and uncomfortable. It was good at the time. I'm wondering if it's even worthwhile continuing it. Perhaps it's time to retire it. I already have one blog, and that's enough to keep track of. Too bad if so, because I've been experiencing tremendous growth and integration. 

I've been focusing on taking actions that are most useful to me. I forget where I heard this quote: "there are always more good ideas than you have time for."

It's true. All choice, and perhaps all creation, involves death. You're killing possibilities. Like some cheesy sci-fi movie where someone is going back in time and killing alternate versions of themselves so there's only one remaining. That's what you have to do. Whenever you decide to do something, you are deciding not to do all the other things.

This could lead to maddening or paralysing confusion, as you sit motionless, trying furiously to figure out what the one very best action to perform is. But I don't think it works that way, exactly. We have duties to do. They are not always the most flashy things to do. Maybe you're a farmer, and your just hoeing the field and planting seeds. You're not the president, or some cutting edge scientist developing a solution to the world's drinking problems. If they dropped their hoes and all went to college, there would be no one making food. Doing the most useful thing is two fold: one, what is your dharma. Your responsibilities, your job, your duty to society? More deeply, in what way can you move through life with integrity to your highest values?

And most high, how can you do, whatever specific thing it is you have to do, with dignity and as an act of highest worship and spiritual practice? It's not about what you do, it's about how you do it. The quality behind your act determines the results, and particularly good qualities ripple out into the world and universe, no matter the specific actions. It's about living your life moment to moment in that integrity. Whatever the specific, often hum-drum acts you are engaging it.

Lately I've been getting more focused on this, and the results are a deeply rich experience of life. I can feel it, this is the pathway to an answer for a question I've carried with me since high school at least: how do I lead a worthwhile life? How do I live so I'm not full of regret, when I die?

Discipline, Action, Reflection. Love, Service, Happiness.

I posted for the month of April in May, so this post will officially be for May.

"Discipline is the mark of intelligent living"
I read that quote and wrote it on a sticky-note and have been looking at it frequently. It is so easy to slide into indiscipline with the COVID19 pandemic, with being home, reduced work hours, reduced accountability. But that means it's more important than ever to do the things that keep you .

Some day, relatively soon (even if it's a hundred years from now) we will all die, and our lives will have been a waste, if we did not grow, love, live with purpose. Do you want to die on your deathbed full of regrets?

Imagine the best possible version of yourself, standing before you. What are they like? What does it feel like to be in their presence. Now imagine yourself on your deathbed, having lived a life of mediocrity. Imagine both those selves before you, looking at you. If you start to feel a bit uncomfortable, good. Use that to fuel some action, even if it's just a small action, towards becoming that best version of you. Small, manageable steps are all that is needed, if you make a habit of taking them every day.

Discipline. Anders Ericsson has made it very clear in his scientific work that you have no excuse for not becoming amazing at something you want to become amazing at. It takes hard work and practice in specific ways, but it does not take innate talent. Much more important is focusing on how to create the habits and motivation that get you practicing in the right way, every day.

More than any specific skill is just the quality of how you have lived, how you are living. Are you enjoying life, sharing love, connecting, being of service, being true to yourself, your own internal compass of rightness. Just do that, and you're doing well. And you don't need to do it all at once. Small steps in that direction every day. But staying on that path requires feeding the fire regularly. What inspires you? Feed yourself that.

This pandemic is not really that different from everyday life, in the fundamentals. We eat, breath, sleep, interact with each other. We can choose to cherish what we're grateful for or bemoan what we don't have. Viktor Frankl was in the Nazi concentration camps, so when he says it is your mind that makes of any situation a heaven or hell, it carries more weight that the average person saying that. But regardless, it's true. If you don't know how, then that's the first step. Start researching. Maybe start with a gratitude journal and some TED talks. It's possible, the information is out there, it just requires your persistent practice. Happiness is to a large degree, a choice. But not a choice you make like ordering a burger and fries, it's a choice you make every day, every moment, via the actions you take, where you choose to focus your attention. We don't control the thoughts that come into our head, but we do have a lot of control over where we place our attention. Like someone has thrown a bucket of words on your floor at night, but you have the flashlight, so you get to decide where you point it.

Action is key. I almost always have enough information, it is action where we mostly fall short. Take action, reflect on the results, and integrate that into further action. This is how we grow and evolve very quickly. There's a bit more to it than that. I'm working out the details myself, but someday I'd love to share it, teach it. It's all part of the meta-skill of learning. Learning how to learn. Mastering how to master things.

Mastery. Teacher Training Programs.

I totally missed the month of April. Right now I'm thinking about mastery. I'm thinking about improving one's skill. Anders Ericsson wrote a book called Peak. And many more scientific papers. The book is mindblowing in it's applications. It's about how to get good and better at something, at the fastest rate, continually. Normally we get "good enough" and then stop growing. This is how to keep growing. This is how to become among the best. At anything. But also just how to become good, at anything, most efficiently. What doesn't that apply to? Mundane things, like your job, your hobbies, your relationships. But also sublime things: discipline, focus, equanimity, meditation, mindfulness. A sense of humor, joyfulness. Etc. Etc. Etc. Anything. Anything. I think most people read it and think it's cool, but I read it and it strikes me on the level of a genuine miracle. And yet, his work is not done. He researched what the necessary components are. What needs to happen next, is to weaponize it.

We need masters in creating masters. Masters in the art of mastery. Part of mastery is working really hard for a prolonged time. How do we help set up the situation to get someone to do that? To work really hard, stay out of their comfort zone, for a prolonged time? That itself is a skill, to be mastered. I want to help people become good at things. That's kind of the job of a teacher. I suppose part of it truly is just to pass down knowledge. But as a trainer, it's more than that. I want to sculpt my students into the best versions of themselves. That requires true learning, not just information gathering. And it's a very complex process, that involves their work more than mine. I can't eat for them, I can't practice for them. How do I inspire and support them to develop their own habits of mastery acquisition?

I particularly want to apply this to teaching. Teacher training is really bad. It is ineffective. And it's one of our most important jobs. That's bad. It's also lopsided, only helping with the intellectual, rather than the character growth necessary to become a positively contributing member of society. A really smart person can create an atom bomb. A person of excellent character creates a nonviolent movement for freedom and peace.

A fundamental problem here is the catch 22 that I myself have not learned, ingrained, the skills and habits (and I suspect, identity) necessary for mastery, and I need mastery level skills to do what I want to do: create an exceptional training program for teachers. I'm deeply unqualified. I am not an exceptional teacher myself. But actually I don't know if that is necessary. I need to learn how to create a training program for teachers, if that's what I want. That is different than teaching. But I think knowing what it takes to be an exceptional teacher will provide good guidance in the creation of the program, and to truly know that, is to be it. The field of education is full of administrators who have not done the work in the trenches and thus give ineffective advice and training, or only partial views.

It seems like such a simple and powerful idea, I can't imagine it not moving people: science shows that teaching programs do little to nothing to improve the teaching outcomes of people who go through those schools. Here finally is a program that holds itself accountable. It is hard, it is uncomfortable, but if you go through our program and do all the work, you are extremely likely to be a first class teacher by the time you exit it. you will be achieving results with your students that only the top 1% of teachers are able to get. It's not magic, it's science, it's the same thing we expect of our students: practice, test to see how much you've learned, reflect, practice, improve, test again. The same way the field of athletics or music has honed training techniques to produce incredible results, we have applied these strategies to create a training program for teachers that is truely, provably, measurably, deeply effective.

And I want to go beyond that: we will take ordinary people and bring you to the place where you can become masters, which takes the cultivation of passion, perseverance, and a growth mindset.

And even beyond that, we will teach you how to cultivate your students character, the secret factor for a truly peaceful and happy classroom, and the secret factor for a peaceful and happy world.

How can you say no to that? That's why this passion, this dream, burns so brightly inside me. The world needs it.

The Month the Earth Stood Still

It's Pandemic Month! That's... well I was about to say that's not a holiday, but it kind of looks like one, with everyone staying home and businesses shutting down.

This is not the end of civilisation as we know it, but we are getting increasing numbers of natural disasters, weather shifts, more severe weather, animal life going extinct or overpopulating, soil depleting, etc. etc. We're overpopulated, we're poisoned our water supplies and soils with chemicals, and we keep trying to produce and buy and make and clear-cut even more. It's insanity, and it will lead to collapse. At some point along that route, the majority of us will realize that's what's happening, and the question is, at what point along this route will we realize it? Because at a certain point, it will be too late to avoid really serious disruption or even total societal collapse. And at various points, it will get harder and harder, the further we go without changing course.

Hopefully, worldwide disruptions like this will serve as a wake-up call: Hey, our systems are fragile. What happens if we don't have electricity, or food, or water being pumped in? The thought is terrifying, because we rely on the systems we've built. We can't drink our rivers because companies have been dumping waste into them. We don't have any gardens in our back yard,  just toxic lawns. We've cut down our tree's so we can't heat our houses, and our houses can't be warmed by fires anyways. Many have no tribe, no social support groups that they can rely in difficult times.

Hopefully people will take the conclusions of this pandemic a step further than just "we need more canned food." Because canned food won't be enough if we've got people looting houses because they've got no jobs and no food and families to feed and people are starving.

Take a breath. We're not there. But we could get there, if we don't change course. Many people know this, most don't believe it, and change nothing. Perhaps more will believe it, perhaps more will change their actions and their votes and their voices, and we will shift direction soonish. Many are already paddling that way, more each day. I hope that happens super soon.

Perhaps it won't. Ultimately, all are one and this body is but a shirt we wear for a day and then take of, only to put a new one on tomorrow. Nothing to get alarmed about.

But if you have not yet gotten yourself prepared for emergencies of various sorts, hopefully this will be a wake-up call that they can happen to you, yes you, and you'll start thinking about a garden and a rendezvous point for your loved ones if communication is down and maybe some non-perishables stored somewhere and a supply of potable water and some warm sleeping bags. This seems less spiritual than most of my posts, but this body of ours is a temple, a gift, and we have loved ones under our care, and it is our duty to care for them as best we can, while we have them.

And perhaps if everybody starts growing a garden and voicing their concern about how we're polluting our water supplies and soil and neglecting our poorest and messing up our weather patterns and overpopulating and in general making earth less habitable. If everyone--or even just most people--decide we want less crazy things happening to the earth, and take action towards that end, then perhaps we will as a global society, start caring for our earth, as well as our own body and family. Perhaps we will even care for all the people of the world, because that too will help make the world less crazy.

I think it could happen. I hope it will. I wonder how many disasters it will take. Perhaps this will be the last one it takes for me. For you.

Simplify, beautify, infuse with heart

I'm trying to simplify my life, in a very concrete way: my desk is messy. I think I will use a mixture of intuition, and Kon Mari's philosophy of focusing on the things you love, rather than the things you want to get rid of. However, I also need to take into account the function of the thing. It needs to be functional.

I feel like our spaces often reflect us in subtle and symbolic ways. What does this desk say about me? Perhaps that I've got too many balls in the air at once. That I'm trying to do too much at once. Certainly that I'm holding on to too many little tasks that I'm trying to get done. And perhaps that I'm not making organization a priority. I'm subconsciously saying that it's not really important.

As is the feeling, so is the result. That's a quasi quote from a wise man that I like. I think in this case it means I need to approach organizing, and perhaps dealing with my whole work-flow, from the mindset that I want it to represent. open and airy, silent, focused, peaceful, joyful. I'm not sure how to have a beautiful state of mind, but perhaps appreciating beauty.

It's a good reminder for how I should approach work as well. You can be doing all the technical things well, but if the feeling behind it is barren or negative, that seeps over into the result. And the opposite is true, even using non-ideal techniques, if the feeling and intention behind things is really good, it tends to carry over into the results, giving outcomes that shouldn't happen, if you were just looking at the mechanics of things on a sheet of paper.

Those are my thoughts for the month. I'm kind of in a rush, so I apologize for...heh, I suppose the rushed feeling of the post. Case in point.

Until next time, dear souls.

New Beginnings:

A new month. A new year. A new Decade. What is my new years resolution?:

With Awareness: stay connected to my sense of Rightness
With Courage: act swiftly on what it says
With Love: make every act a gift to God (who resides in everyone, everything)

A quote that's been coming up for me in various forms, from various sources. I didn't make it up, but I like it:

Start the day with love
Spend the day with love
Fill the day with love
End the day with love
That is the way to God



Peter Drucker said something like: "there's nothing so useless as doing well what never should be done in the first place." in reference to time management. An analogy he gives is placing a ladder somewhere and climbing up it only to find it wasn't at the location you wanted to go to. I feel like this is part of the benefit of clearly defining goals, and being careful to choose goals that really matter to you. If you're working really hard on a goal that's not important, that's gonna be sad when you get to the top of the ladder and realize you didn't actually want to be there. That's the main purpose for me of new years resolutions. It's a time to take stock, and think about where I'd like to end up. to make sure my ladder is placed on the shelf I want to climb. That's what my new years resolution is about. If I can get to that way of functioning, my life will be unbelievably good, and I will be heading towards my even bigger goals.

Remember what is most important in your life

If you died today, how would you feel about your life?
I'm old enough that I have several friends my age who have already died tragically early. It can happen. So why are we living like we will live forever?

What is momentously important? So important that everything else in your life pales in comparison. How much time and energy are you spending on that? Where else are you spending your time? Is it in worthwhile pursuits? Or things that you will be sorry about, should you die tomorrow?

Start the day with love, fill the day with love, end the day with love. That is the way to God.

A quote from Sai Baba, perhaps slightly altered since I'm writing it from memory. In any case, that seems genuinely important. Are we doing that? Are we at least working towards that, in whatever ways we can? Is there a good reason not to? I can't think of one.

Love. God. Living the divinity that is latent in all of us. The sadhana, the work, the actions and effort that are leading us towards infusing that always-there truth, into our awareness, our personality and experience. Are we taking those steps that we know? are we checking with our inner wisdom, to ask if our heart feels good with the path we're taking? Are we checking with our mind, to confirm our actions seem to be leading us towards more light, towards our goal? Or do we need to reassess, tweak, experiment, question, seek?

The spiritual path is not just about sitting quietly meditating. It is about the heart with which we infuse everything we do in life. There is nothing that is not spiritual. Washing the dishes is spiritual. Saying hello to your neighbor is spiritual. The physical is the tangible expression of the intangible, and how we move through our physical life is the training ground for spirit. Are you living with integrity? are you living with love and kindness (for yourself as well, as much as for anyone else). Are you living with truth, peace, rightness? Are you striving to live with some awareness that everything and everyone is a spark of divinity? is God made matter?

These questions haunt me, as I reflect on my own mortality, or at least the mortality of the precious vessel, born to give me the chance to manifest my own divinity in conscious experience.

From darkness lead us to light. From suffering and pain and despair and grief, lead us to bliss, peace, immortality. It's not pie in the sky. I don't know exactly what it is, but I know as I walk the path of light, though there are challenges, I keep moving into greater and greater light. More peace and joy. And that reflects and spreads to those around me, it is not selfish. It is more love.

I've said it so many times before, because I needed to be reminded, that many times. And I say it again, because I need to be reminded again. Do not waste your precious life on trifles, on merely eating, drinking, and the other things that all animals know and experience. That stuff is find and good, but don't let it distract you from the peace that surpasses all understanding. The well of peace within that is there without reason, without limit. The friend that is always with you, the love that is without condition or end.

Remember

Positive thinking vs. Mental Contrasting and Goal Setting with Hope

I've been chewing on the ideas of last post, and what I've come to, as something effective and authentic, is goal-setting. Rather than telling myself "I already have this" I am setting the goal, visualizing that, and telling myself, "I can get this if I keep working at it."

This seems much more balanced, in line with scientific research, and honest.

There is another element I've been playing with, that seems outside the range of this goal setting, and I'm not sure what to call it. Structural Tension is what Robert Fritz calls it, Mental Contrasting is what Gabriele Oettingen calls it, but the bottom line is that, if you want to get yourself moving towards a goal subconsciously, you need to visualize both the positive outcome you want, and the current reality/obstacles in your way. This sets up the tension that causes the feeling of necessity to act. After that, you can use whatever strategies you want to help you get it done, but Oettingen added Implementation Intentions into a method she abbreviates to "WOOP." Wish Outcome Obstacle (mental contrasting) Plan (implementation intention) I personally would also add a step where you ask yourself why the outcomes are important to you. Then it becomes "WOW, OP"

In any case, even without mental contrasting, setting goals has robust research behind it, as does hopefulness in regards to your goals (believing you can accomplish them) so I feel comfortable implementing that. This is my current strategy going forwards and we'll see how it performs for me. Hopefully better than the previous strategy which allowed me to get more done but also exhausted me and then I got sick.

Trying to wear Dad's pants. Fake positive thinking vs. real perspective changing.

I asked the great spiritual teacher what to do about feeling like I have no time and no energy to do all the things I want to do, and the great teacher said: "change your psychology." And to elaborate, said, "stay in alignment" (her way of saying stay connected to, aware of, referring to and guided by source, God, spirit, high consciousness, higher vibration, whatever you want to call it).

And 'you are creating this with your thoughts, just stop saying, thinking all the mental chatter about not having time etc.'

I trust this teacher, but this last point is one that often rubs me the wrong way. I hear it bandied around all across the spiritual community. "think positive thoughts, don't let yourself think negative thoughts" and it strikes me as very insincere and weird. It sounds like I'm being asked to pretend that I don't think I'm super busy, which is basically lying to myself. Like trying to ignore a burning building and assuming that will make the fire go away. It sounds like the doublethink of Orson Well's 1986. It just generally seems unhealthy, inauthentic, weird and janky.

That's probably because it often is, in practice. But I'm sure that's not what the teacher would have wanted. There is another way to do it. But it requires the ability to pull back out of your own perspective and realize that your perspective is just one of many, and ultimately no more true than any other perspective. Most of the meaning in our lives (all of it?) comes from us, not some ultimate reality. A person dies and that means things to us that makes us cry. Another person dies and that means things to us that makes us relieved. The difference is not in the act: a person dying, but in the meaning we've attached to it. This person is dear, that person is terrible. This is bad, that is good. The act itself is meaning agnostic. Like a tree falling in a forest with nobody there to hear it. Except instead of "hear" we need to replace it with "give meaning to"

When you really see that, then it is no longer lying to yourself, to drop one perspective and meaning set, in favor of one that creates a preferable experience.

There do seem to be perspectives that are larger, more complete, and thus better models for the world. We function more smoothly, with less effort, and less suffering. We create more love and light in the world. It's not absolute truth, but it is closer to that ineffable light, and so more brightly expresses the qualities of it: love, peace, truth, etc. Like coming closer to the sun and getting more light and warmth.

So, I will try that. The teacher goes one step further, saying, these thoughts you have actually end up creating that reality for you. I suppose that's objectively true. Taking perspectives ends up having self-fulfilling effects. I think she means it even a step further, but that's getting quite far into the realm of "all is just the mind" and though that may be true, and I can intellectually grasp it, it's not quite my experience, so trying to live by it is like the five year old trying to wear dad's pants. kind of awkward, doesn't really fit yet.

OK, thus concludes this months post, only... what, 3 weeks late? I think I'll count anything in the same month as basically on time for this blog.

Until next time, one person who reads this ;D

Now

Even when you are short on time, it is super important to take moments to pause and just appreciate the life you have. You may be dead in twenty seconds, and then all your striving and planning will be for nothing. It seems hopeless or at least frightening, but the solution of the ancients was to do each action as a prayer, as an offering to God. Not just the seemingly important stuff like serving the sick or downtrodden. But even just sweeping the house clean. Making lunch. Ultimately it is all God, so there is no reason to parcel off certain sections and call them holy and the rest secular. God is in every particle, and can be experienced in exquisite beauty at any time. I may take practice, but the possibility is there, so why not at least attempt or practice taking advantage of that fact. No act is small really. It is only minds that are small, and in so being, make the act seem small. Or large, if the mind is that way instead.

This is important for me to remember, as I also strive to be more efficient, to get more done. Even that needs to be done ultimately as an offering to the most high imminent in all, more than as a means to an end. It will work, as a means to an end, but it will be a much richer life, if done in the mindset of journey, rather than destination. As offering, rather than clutching.

Time

I am two months behind.

I am behind in basically everything. I would love an extra two weeks where nothing new was required of me, so I could catch up on everything. But life doesn't tend to give us such things.

I am working on being more efficient, so I need less of that time. I'm working on organizing things better, so what I do takes less time. And I'm setting the intention and goal of leading a life where I do feel like I have plenty of time. Historically, when I do something like that, eventually, I succeed, so, it's exciting and joyful to think about how that will be, when I finally figure it out.

For now, it is nose to the grindstone, with a little extra grind and I try and take some time every now and then to work on improving things so I will eventually get to spaciousness.

Floppy arrows (happens to all of us), Moody teenaged Buddhas, lean in, lean out.

I need two posts now, one for last month and one for this month. I started last months post and never finished it, I wonder why *checks draft*

mostly ranting about too much pointless work, but I've since resolved that enough to not be miserable. I'll extract the gem I came to at the end:

I need to take a moment to refocus and ask myself what I actually want to get out of this program, and keep that in the forefront, as I do assignments, so I'm doing them in a way that serves that purpose. Maybe that means less time on some elements and more on others, or just approaching them an entirely different way.


Anyhoo. This summer is like last summer: an unsustainable amount of work, day in, day out. I can keep up with assignments, barely, but I have too little free time, and too much time doing the assignments. I'm also spending too much time in front of the computer, a fact which typing this blog is not helping.

In the spirit of acting "as if" i were someone I admire, who is both very spiritually wise, and practically successful as well, making things happen in the real world, I've come to a clear realization: I lean forward in the wrong way and lean back in the wrong way.

I lean forward on the "push push push" mentality, working "hard" at tasks, grinding away. It exhausts me, and then my mind, my intuition, narrow, shut down. I get things done, but at what cost? my health, my peace of mind, my connection to the universe.

at the same time I "lean back" from life. It's almost like I'm afraid to be passionate about something, because I'm.... I'm not sure what I"m afraid of. Maybe, of looking childish, being really excited and enthusiastic about things. Maybe, of being let down, when I get excited about something and put all my hope and expectations into it, only to have it fail, or not happen.

This is a tricky thing. really tricky. in the spiritual/new age movement, there is this idea of "being detached" that people try to achieve by just not caring about things, not trying to hard, not putting their all into it. It's like the moody teenager version of the Buddha, "whatever man. I don't care."

And it's not a good way to move through life. you get less done, you feel less, your not plugged in to your love, enthusiasm, source of energy. You avoid taking risks, and ultimately, it's because of fear. Real detachment, equanimity, is guided by Dharma. By what the situation dictates is right. often that calls for intense activity. The detachment then functions as a lubricant: it makes it easier for you to do that hard thing. You then become more likely to do it. But that is a much more... elusive detachment to cultivate. It's a state of poise, with equanimity. Like a fine needle on a compass, sensitive to the slightest pull of the electromagnetic fields around it, balanced on its axis so it can move quickly and easily to wherever that points.

It's the right kind of leaning towards, and leaning away.

And it's what I'm trying for. while the moody new age teenager detachment allows you to avoid the things you don't want to do, mature detachment moves you with momentum and certainty, often right into your fears.

what do you love? what really matters to you? what is the right thing, even though it may not be the comfortable thing?

Let detachment and silence be the pulling back of the arrow, that shoots you with dynamism and speed, straight to the place your internal compass is pointing, through obstacles, fear, resistance.

don't just pull the arrow back till it falls out of the notch in the bow and flops down onto the ground.

good-bye for another month (or two)
-stay playful

Acting "as if." Matching practices to student readiness. Fast and Easy vs. Fast and Focused/Dedicated.

I've been working with the idea of "acting as if" what I wanted were already true. This is particularly useful in terms of self-improvement. What would it feel like, what would you do, how would you act, if the dream you had of yourself were already true? you were already in great shape, had a great relationship, were hardworking and focused, had a razor sharp focus and determination in your spiritual practice? To act like the person in great shape, you'd probably be eating well, exercising regularly, etc. By this, I don't mean imagining you are in great shape and trying to cultivate the feeling of satisfaction of that 24-7, I mean using that image to help you figure out what actions you'd be doing, if you were like that, how you'd think, etc. Research shows that feeling and self-image often follow action, rather than lead it.

That means, if you want to be something, rather than waiting until you feel that way, to take action, start taking the actions that kind of person would take, and that will shift your self image and self feelings to match it. I'm not sure if this works in isolation, I'm doing this as part of a whole regime of self improvement, including introspecting, meditation, and various practises. I feel like I've worked on myself enough that my subconscious mind is generally friendly towards me, usually amenable towards my requests. This is certainly not always the case, I think it is quite often not the case. So there may be some more basic work necessary before acting "as if" is really effective. I can imagine it being just one more self-help jargon trying to get you to believe something that you fundamentally think is untrue, just by repeating it enough, which can actually have the opposite effect.

I think you first need enough actual experience of the malleability of the mind, and of the subjectivity of our perceptions and beliefs, to be able to accept the "as if" mentality with the right amount of lightness and faith. Are you aware that all your beliefs are subjective? That other people's realities, which you can so clearly see are just biases, opinions, unfounded or half-founded beliefs, are no more or less true than your own? Can you hop into another person's perspective and see how it is just as true as your own? Are you comfortable revising your most cherished beliefs, when presented with good evidence that your beliefs are less accurate? Have you actually done this at least a few times? Are you aware that your current belief system is just as arbitrary as the last one? Have you experiences a place of neutral observing, where you aren't judging and labeling what you see, but just experiencing it, raw? or at least, noticing your judgments and preconceptions as they arise? You don't have to be perfect at these things, but if they're totally alien to you, then you may want to work on that a bit before you try and become a belief engineer and start acting "as if" what you want is already true.

If your in the habit of believing your own fantasy stories, the "as if" thing is liable to just be another tool of self-deception. A surface level mental tool that may be interesting for a little bit but not show long-term results, or only very minor ones.

In any case, most of this blog is apparently a caveat about the tiny big of wisdom I'm chewing on. I suppose that's the problem with sharing this kind of stuff generally. It's not useful to all people at all stages of growth/development. That's one of the problems I ran into when running the self-help circuit. The stuff people were talking about required some more fundamental skills to be able to use. We were looking for quick fixes, but the only real answer was through prolonged and dedicated practice. Don't try and find the shortcuts, the one you end-up short-cutting is your own growth. Try and go to fast, try and avoid the hard work, and you end up messing things up and taking longer than the slowpoke. You can go fast, as long as your willing to work with intense focus and devotion. But you can't go fast and easy. You get what you pay for, in energy and time, more than in money. Being rich and able to buy all the experiences you want from spiritual teachers is not gonna get you further that the poor person who doesn't take all the fancy courses, but proceeds with care, devotion, and sustained effort/focus.

It doesn't have to be a grind, but it does take all of you.

in peace,
me

A good dream

I had a dream... last week? two weeks ago? At the end of the dream I was teaching a child how to do something, and then felt a little sad about being corrected, about doing it wrong, so we went to a beautiful beach. Summer, blue sky and sea, white fluffy clouds, summer, some sand grasses behind us, and a gorgeous sparkling white sand beach, empty but for us.

"If you were to take and count each individual grain of sand on this beach, and match it to a star, there would be more stars than grains of sand. In fact if you were to take all the grains of sand on all the beaches in the world, there would be more stars in space than grains of sand. In fact if you were to take all the grains of sand on this beach, and match each one to a galaxy, with it's millions, billions, of stars, there would be more galaxies than grains of sand, I think. In fact, the universe may just be endless, going on forever, and even if it's not, even if you could travel to the edge of it, just beyond would be another universe, and another, on to infinite universes."

Somewhere around the end of this, I realized this was one of those dreams where I was eloquently explaining something to someone, that was actually meant for me, though previously I never realized it until after I woke up. But this time I did. I realized I was dreaming, and something vast and yet personal, something gentle and all-knowing was talking to me, through me, as me. The beauty of the beach, the vastness of the universe, the benevolence of that Presence talking directly to me, welled up as deep emotion, and I started crying, like you cry when you suddenly are relieved of all your worries and stresses, suddenly find out everything is ok, everything will be alright, will be taken care of, that you are loved, that everything your heart most deeply desired will be, is being given, incomprehensible generosity.

The voice continued through my mouth, but I was no longer thinking, just weeping uncontrollably, louder and more intensely, cathartically,

"And this here, (life, as we know it) will end, but we will not end, we will keep going on, eternally, onto some other, even better life, light, once we've done what we've come here for, which is just to remember our true name... which is love."

At this point I was sobbing like a baby, overwhelmed with emotion that I couldn't even classify, except that it was a release, and it was incredibly nice, bursting into crescendo at the last word, which I knew was also "God." I wept in gratitude for a little longer, and the dream faded to light and I woke up, tears on my face, still sobbing, to the morning sun coming in, the nasty cold I had woken up to before going back to sleep and having this dream, healed to the point where I didn't need to take a sick day, (which I had been thinking, when I went to sleep that night.)

Love. HARD work. Persistence.

It's already well past the first of the month. How short can I make this, so I can get back in the habit of posting something?

I am working so, so hard. My awareness is increasing. I am not giving up. I am getting kinder with myself. What I am doing, learning to be a teacher, is extremely hard. It hurts my heart some days, it exhausts me, most days, and some days it drives me well beyond exhaustion. Especially emotionally. It makes me anxious. It's HARD.

But each day ends, and is over, and a new one begins, and I try again. Some things go well, some go poor, and I forgive myself and keep on trying to sing my song with heart and vulnerability and passion. It is hard hard hard. Often I want to curl into a shell and hide from it. I LOVE snow days.

But it is also something I'm passionate about. I feel my work has deep meaning. It is important. I'm never bored. I never feel like I'm wasting my time or life. I never feel like I'm not getting to be creative. I never feel like I've stopped learning. It is great for those reasons.

And I am always on my toes. I always have great motivation, to work hard and keep working hard. It keeps me active, growing, striving.

It's like the emotional amplitude of my life has been turned up: the highs are higher, the lows are lower.

I accept. Though it had better keep getting better, has it has been doing, because it's still unsustainable, at the current level of stress. But it's getting closer to being something I can live with. Maybe in a year or two.

Risque mental movies, vulnerability, conscience, absolute self-honesty

It's more difficult to do this once a month, than my other weekly blog. Why? Because it's once a month. It's not a habit. Habits are super powerful. I've finally gotten some competency at installing (and un-installing) them, and it's been incredibly helpful in my life. Having a really good habit is like having a super power.

I find myself repeatedly struggling with... it's hard to describe it. There is a way of being, where I am absolutely scrupulous about listening to and following my inner voice of rightness. Doing so feels incredible and results in the most astounding miracles happening in my life. Joy, success, everything nice. What's the catch? Why isn't everyone doing it all the time? Why aren't at least I doing it all the time?

1) I forget. I just forget. I get distracted, busy, tired, and I don't think about it for a while, and then the memory of how awesome it is fades, and even how exactly to get back into that listening flow state, gets a bit fuzzy.

2) It requires a kind of honesty, and vulnerability that feels a bit scary. I think I'd describe it as having your mom in the room. Or rather, inviting your mom into the room, permanently. It is this watchful presence, that you can't make excuses with. You don't feel comfortable procrastinating work to play video games, if your mom is right there, standing in the same room. To say nothing of watching stuff that's sexually risque.  Being in this flow is like voluntarily submitting to that, 24-7. Which sounds awful, but in practice and experience, life is so, so much richer, it is totally worth it. Remember, it's not your mom's opinions you're in the room with, it's your own.

There used to be a few more big issues with this state, the main one being that there was a lot of interference with my intuition. There was a lot of voices of other people, parents, society, etc., drowning out my own personal voice of rightness, and when I listened to those voices, it wasn't a joyful experience at all, it was maybe a few moments of joy, when I first started listening to those voices, and they temporarily quieted down, but then I'd slip up and they'd redouble themselves, yelling at me for being wrong twice as loud.

When it is my own voice, there is the understanding that all I have to do is my best, and that is always good enough. As well as often the right thing to do turns out to be giving myself some rest and/or love.

Perhaps the third issue is

3) it requires a sensitivity, like a finely tuned antenna, and that openness means that more grating signals are also heard, felt, loud and clear. If this isn't handled skillfully, it becomes emotionally exhausting.
(Skillfully seems to mean, an open receptiveness that neutrally accepts and acknowledges all feelings, allowing them to dissolve in nonjudgmental awareness. (which ends up feeling compassionate and loving, rather than just neutral.)

OK, now tomorrow I've got another post to do, since tomorrow is the start of another month 😅

Peace and safe travels along life's way
see you next time,
-me

This is how to welcome all your feelings, pleasant or unpleasant
(and how they respond to such a welcome)

A long time since the last post. First year teaching: fear, anxiety, spiritual weightlifting.

the last post was...August? I think? Which shows you about when I became incredibly busy. First year as a teacher. It's exhausting. It's also scary. Mainly, every weekend, Sunday afternoon, and today, the last day of winter break, there is fear and my stomach feels nauseous. I'm not ready. Have you ever had those dreams where you're giving a presentation and then you realize you're in your underwear? I haven't, but I suspect it's a similar feeling. Feeling naked, feeling unprepared. I wish I had boundless energy and focus and courage and faith, so I could properly handle this job. All I have is patience and love and compassion and caring.

It's a profoundly powerful spiritual experience, if you let it be, just as a romantic relationship can be: these situations force you into uncomfortable places, they force you to look at parts of yourself that are not fully formed, that are wounded, that you try to look away from if you can. But you are forced to look and more than look, to act. It is good, but it is not comfortable. It will get better, I've been assured.

The new year. Endings and beginnings. I feel cold and alone. May I have the strength to do what needs to be done regardless, may I have the faith to trust that God is with me even when I feel this way, that though the path is sometimes painful it is leading me on to my ultimate goal.

May I have the trust and lion-hearted-ness to find joy and laughter no matter the situation.

All life's a game, a play, and we but actors on the stage. Play your part, play it well, but don't get so caught up in it that you are made truly miserable by the drama. An actor enjoys the play, even if their part is a sad one, because they know deep down that it is not who and what they truly are.

This is the meaning of "be in the world, but don't let the world be in you" or "be in the world but not of it." Like a boat used to cross the river, the boat is in the river, but you don't want the river getting into the boat. This is the true meaning of spiritual detachment, and why it is said to lead to great and unshakable peace.

The Holy Longing

(painting by Akiane)

The Holy Longing

Tell a wise person, or else keep silent,

because the mass man will mock it right away.

I praise what is truly alive,

what longs to be burned to death.

In the calm water of the love-nights,

where you were begotten, where you have begotten,

a strange feeling comes over you,

when you see the silent candle burning.

Now you are no longer caught in the obsession with darkness,

and a desire for higher love-making sweeps you upward.

Distance does not make you falter.

Now, arriving in magic, flying,

and finally, insane for the light,

you are the butterfly and you are gone.

And so long as you haven't experienced this: to die and so to grow,

you are only a troubled guest on the dark earth.

-By Goethe

Translated from the German by Robert Bly

That's all for this month. As I was going through my stuff, discarding most of it, I came across this poem which was too beautiful to throw away. Instead, I decided that in needed to be shared, at some point. It's been sitting in a folder with a bunch of other blog ideas for a while, and frankly I'm super busy this month, so it's good for me to, since it means it's a shorter blog post to write.

Take care, oh children of immortality

Dust to dust, spirit to Spirit

I see one fall to the ground and become dust.
From dust we come, to dust we return.
The dust is cleared from my eyes.
We are not dust, but dust cloaks the silence and gives it form so we may see, touch, hold,
let go

the dust is cleared from my eyes
they blink wetly,
I look with the other eye
he is present suddenly, everywhere
as he always is, always was
a thousand eyes, a thousand hands, a thousand feet

so still and so sweet
perfection is too small a word for this
perfection does not hold my little hands in his, so gently,
knowing my fear and petty attachments
still
loving me with such warmth
giving me, unasked, unanswerable,
worlds,
dreams beyond my dreaming

I fall at his feet, over and over
I place my head everywhere,
A spider plant in a mason jar
a picture on an alter
a keyboard
I place my head
on his feet, which are everywhere,
everywhere

Sense-Control, Drowning in a Dream, Scrapes and Bruises

Saying no to the various desires and temptations that come up in my life is a little like how I handle dreams where I'm drowning or swimming underwater for long periods of time. First there is a panic, an urgency to surface for air, a claustrophobia, then, the recollection that it is a dream, that I can breath just fine, maybe a little poorly if my face is smashed into the pillow. Then I relax and start breathing underwater.



I'm working, it's morning, and I have a desire to do something non-productive, pleasurable, interesting. Get a snack, read an unrelated book, do a no-brain task that I should save for the afternoon surf the web, etc. I decide not to. Immediately the urgency increases. It almost feels like I'm drowning. Somewhere, deep down in an illogical but powerful part of my brainstem is the belief that if I don't satisfy this desire, something horrible is going to happen to me. I need this tidbit of information or I'll make a mistake in the future. I need to do this insignificant errand or I'll forget about it. I need to give myself this bit of pleasure or I will be forever hungry for it, distracted and craving.

Not true, not true. I recall this fact, and start breathing underwater. I keep doing whatever it was I was planning on doing. The call gets more intense, more urgent, but then, I realize, I discover that yes, I can still breath. Life is going on just fine now, without catering to my every impulsive whim. I am not miserable and deprived. I am just...normal. About the same as if I had gratified it.

(The article this picture is from is relevant, link here. The summary of scientific findings is good.)

This underwater breathing is fascinating. This is a new discovery for me, though I can only assume for the majority of people with good self-control, it's common. Well... no, maybe not. I think at least some of people perceived as having "good self control" have it because of abject terror. Fear. They are terrified of not making rent, of being seen as incompetent, of living a worthless life, something along those lines. It then is not really an exercise in willpower. They are going with the current (of fear), not against it. If the external fear was taken away somehow, they would likely revert to a less motivated state.

And there's nothing wrong with that. Most of motivation is not going against the flow, it's using a bit of willpower to set up systems and thought structures that redirect the flow towards where you want to go, so you don't have to use willpower. (The linked article talks about one of many facets of that a little)

I'm sad it took me so long to figure out this breathing underwater, sense-control thing, though. Wasted time.

I think another way to describe it (and I'm trying my best to explain it in a way past-me could understand, so others don't have to take the long route that I did to understanding) is it's like how our thoughts about injury effect our experience of injury.

You can see this especially clearly in little kids. One falls and scrapes their knee, but they're in the middle of a game of tag, and they just get up and keep running. Or, they fall and scrape their knee, look to see if anyone see's them, thinks they'd gone unnoticed, and continue on their way. Or, they fall, scrape their knee, they're sitting there, silent, trying to figure out how they feel about all this, and then an adult rushes over with an alarmed "oh no!" and they start crying loudly.



But it happens with adults too. I used to be terrified of blood tests and shots. cold sweat, terrified. It was an excruciating experience, every time I had to get one. Then, as I got older, I started remembering that every time I got a shot, as soon as it was over, I felt just fine. I decided I wasn't going to be afraid of them any more, and I looked directly at the needle as it went in, noticing with curiosity the pinch-like, minor pain. Noticing with curiosity the remnants of my fear, in my increased heart rate and nervousness. There was nothing about the sensations of the shot itself that was particularly terrifying. It was just a pinch. Stubbing my toe hurt more. It was all my thoughts surrounding the shot, about the meaning, the anticipation, imagining it going into me, that made it such an unpleasant experience.

This sense control/discipline thing is the same way. It is the thoughts I have about denying myself sense-gratification, that makes it so repellant to me, so difficult to get myself to do. The act of doing it, sans the stories about it is a minor discomfort, nothing more.

Point of refinement: this sense control thing is not suppression. More like redirection (which we do all the time with kids, to great effect.) I admit that trying to push down a desire or thought is counter productive. All that energy just gets stored like a spring-snake in a can of mixed nuts, ready to pop out full force at the next opportunity.

We can't stop ourselves from having thoughts and feelings, but we do have the choice of what we put our attention on, and we do have a choice about what actions we do. I think the best thing to do is cordially, respectfully acknowledge whatever the thought/feeling is, accept that it's there non-judgmentally, and then let it go. Don't push it away, just let it go, drop it like it's (a) hot (potato), and put your focus back where you want it. It may come back, like a venturesome fly, but you can just keep doing that process, and eventually it will go away. And if you keep doing that, it comes back less and less frequently, and less strongly. Though sometimes initially it gets more intense before dying down. Kind of like a someone who realizes they're about to be removed, desperately fighting and struggling to stay.

I think this is precisely the practice you do when you meditate: you have a focus, whether it's a candle or a mantra or an image etc, and your job is to keep your focus there, gently. Thoughts come, and you persistently but not aggressively direct your attention back to your chosen focus. Meditation strengthens that mental muscle, which is super useful, but I know a lot of people who don't take advantage of that strength in their normal day-to-day life, which seems like a waste. It happens  passively, but with conscious practice it would happen more often.

Amusing aside and honesty: I'm still a beginner, who makes lots of mistakes: cue two and a half hour youtube aside that started with me looking for images to go along with this post. Stopping once I've accidentally already started is much more difficult. An once of prevention and all that.

Ah well. Dust myself off, get up, begin again.